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acrobaz1

"staple Removal" - A Short Play, By Acrobaz1

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The scene: a kitchen table in a non-descript semi-detached somewhere in the UK. On the table is a half consumed bottle of white wine, some leftover tortilla chips and a metal implement that looks like it has emerged from a medieval torture chamber. Slumped across the table is a middle-aged man, positioned as if in prayer, yet unattractively dressed in a dressing gown and socks. Upon closer inspection, something metallic appears to be gleaming from the back of his head. In walks a beautiful woman, dressed smartly (skirt, top, knee high boots); she has clearly lived, yet has retained the soft contours of her youth. She speaks.

 

Woman: Ready?

Man: No. (He emits a strange noise. It might be a whimper.)

Woman: Come on, you’ve been in the bath for over an hour, drinking wine! It must be soaked by now. Your head’s all wrinkly at the back. It’s like a big testicle. (Speaks to herself: “Quite apt really.”)

Man: Look, I just want to get it over with. I’d like a decent night’s sleep for starters.

Woman: Are you absolutely sure?

Man: Yes. I don’t want that bloody nurse in the local surgery doing it. She’s like a pro wrestler. And she’d think I was vain. Or weird. Or both.

Woman: Well, it’s your call. Come on then. Where do we start?

Man: You saw that video posted by Spex on YouTube. That shows how to do it. Just copy that.

Woman: Are you sure a proper staple remover wouldn’t be better? Or a wire cutter? I could just wrench them out with a screwdriver.

Man: Stop taking the piss PLEASE and just get on with it.

Woman: Don’t start on me. You wanted to get this done. I liked you as you were.

Man: No you didn’t. You called me moon face.

Woman: Only a couple of times.

Man: Yes, once at Christmas dinner in front of all the in-laws, and the other at the school play. From the stage. With a microphone.

Woman: You take yourself too seriously, that’s your problem. You might want to be Wolverine, but I always preferred Professor Xavier.

Man: Can we just get on!?

Woman: Alright. (Mumbles “Mr Grumpy” to herself.)

 

There is a short pause. The woman concentrates. The man sweats.

 

Man: Was that the first one out? That wasn’t too bad at all!

Woman: I haven’t started yet.

Man: So what have you been doing?

Woman: Sterilizing the staple remover, you fool. You were stupid enough to take it out of the sterile packet the day you were given it. I had to sterilize it again.

Man: What have you sterilized it in?

Woman: Don’t worry. You and your new virtual buddies on that forum will be pleased with me – I did it in tea tree oil. All homeopathic.

Man: Oh, ok.

Woman: Like I said, all homoerotic.

Man: What?

Woman: Nothing. Just … well … you lot posting pictures of each other and making admiring comments. It is kind of, well, er, odd. You have to admit it.

Man: We are supporting each other and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Woman: Yup, support. Supporty-doo-daa. Nothing wrong with that.

Man: Look, JUST BLOODY WELL GET ON WITH IT WILL YOU!

Woman: Don’t start on me. I wanted to spend the money on a holiday. You spent it on a hairyday.

Man: I am very grateful for your support. Truly. Now can we PLEASE JUST TAKE THE STAPLES OUT …. AAAAAAAAGH!!!!!

Woman: Oops …

Man: WHAT THE BLAZES WAS THAT!!??

Woman: I dropped the staple remover, sorry.

Man: What, right on the sore bit of my head??!!

Woman: It was the tea tree oil. It made it all slippery, sorry.

Man: That was really bloody painful!

 

Man whimpers again. Pause. A long, difficult, Pinter-esque pause.

 

Woman: (With cold, ice queen voice.) When you’ve had three children, THEN you can talk to me about pain.

Man: You always say that. Look it hurt, ok. Just be CAREFUL!

Woman: You can go to that wrestler at the local clinic if you want.

Man: No, it’s ok. Please just be careful.

Woman: As you wish. By the way, do you know that there are 52 of these staples?

Man: Well, I knew there was a lot, but I didn’t know exactly how many.

Woman: Yup. 52. I asked Dr Feller to put in one for each week of the year where you lose an argument.

Man: Oh ha bloody ha.

 

Woman positions implement carefully. It may be the lighting, but a faint smirk appears to form across her face. She places the implement beneath the first staple. Then pulls. Hard.

 

Man: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!! BLOODY ARSEBURGERS!!!!!

Woman: WHAT NOW!?

Man: You don’t just YANK them out! You have to squeeze it together and it just comes away. Like in the video!!

Woman: Oh, you mean like this?

 

She squeezes gently. The staple falls away like melting butter. She does four in this way. She grins to herself, and does three more.

 

Man: Have you started yet?

Woman: Yeah, I’ve managed to get one out.

Man: One. Excellent. I didn’t feel a thing.

Woman: Actually, I’ve done seven.

Man: Will you stop enjoying this so much!! You can’t have done seven!

Woman: Oh, calm your jets Scarface. I’ve done seven.

Man: Really?

Woman: Really.

Man: Oh. Erm, well done you. Thanks love.

 

The process continues without further mishap. After a few minutes, the man sits up in the chair at the kitchen table. He examines the table in front of him: 52 staples. He feels gingerly around to the back of his head and then examines his hands: only a tiny amount of blood. He looks around to see his wife, smiling at him, holding the staple remover.

 

Woman: Piece of cake, eh?

Man: Thanks a lot. I really appreciate your support in all this. Sorry for getting agitated. You’ve been great, really.

Woman: Just remember that when I next want something expensive.

Man: Of course. Look, I’m sorry for all the shouting. It’s just that …

 

There is then a piercing, spine-chilling scream. Their blood runs cold. They turn around and see a small child staring at them. The small child, for her part, has surveyed the picture before her. Her father, semi-dressed, is bent over the table with a red line across the back of his head. There are droplets of blood. Her mother, in knee-high boots and a grin on her face, is standing by him with what looks like a dagger at head height. She appears to have been stapling him in the head.

 

Girl: NOOOOO, DADDYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

Father: Oh sweetheart, let me explain ….

 

Ends.

:D

 

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My wife took my sutures out after my first HT but after my second when I had staples, I let one of the Feller techs remove them. Seeing as she removes staples on a daily basis, it went really smoothly, no pain at all and probably took less than a minute to do (there is a video of it somewhere).

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Dam.... I feel so privileged now... it could all have gone so differently if I hadnt had a sexy nurse do mine for me lol. Hope u have had some happy dreams in comfort now mate.. funny post ;)

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