Jump to content

"staple Removal" - A Short Play, By Acrobaz1

Recommended Posts

The scene: a kitchen table in a non-descript semi-detached somewhere in the UK. On the table is a half consumed bottle of white wine, some leftover tortilla chips and a metal implement that looks like it has emerged from a medieval torture chamber. Slumped across the table is a middle-aged man, positioned as if in prayer, yet unattractively dressed in a dressing gown and socks. Upon closer inspection, something metallic appears to be gleaming from the back of his head. In walks a beautiful woman, dressed smartly (skirt, top, knee high boots); she has clearly lived, yet has retained the soft contours of her youth. She speaks.


Woman: Ready?

Man: No. (He emits a strange noise. It might be a whimper.)

Woman: Come on, you’ve been in the bath for over an hour, drinking wine! It must be soaked by now. Your head’s all wrinkly at the back. It’s like a big testicle. (Speaks to herself: “Quite apt really.”)

Man: Look, I just want to get it over with. I’d like a decent night’s sleep for starters.

Woman: Are you absolutely sure?

Man: Yes. I don’t want that bloody nurse in the local surgery doing it. She’s like a pro wrestler. And she’d think I was vain. Or weird. Or both.

Woman: Well, it’s your call. Come on then. Where do we start?

Man: You saw that video posted by Spex on YouTube. That shows how to do it. Just copy that.

Woman: Are you sure a proper staple remover wouldn’t be better? Or a wire cutter? I could just wrench them out with a screwdriver.

Man: Stop taking the piss PLEASE and just get on with it.

Woman: Don’t start on me. You wanted to get this done. I liked you as you were.

Man: No you didn’t. You called me moon face.

Woman: Only a couple of times.

Man: Yes, once at Christmas dinner in front of all the in-laws, and the other at the school play. From the stage. With a microphone.

Woman: You take yourself too seriously, that’s your problem. You might want to be Wolverine, but I always preferred Professor Xavier.

Man: Can we just get on!?

Woman: Alright. (Mumbles “Mr Grumpy” to herself.)


There is a short pause. The woman concentrates. The man sweats.


Man: Was that the first one out? That wasn’t too bad at all!

Woman: I haven’t started yet.

Man: So what have you been doing?

Woman: Sterilizing the staple remover, you fool. You were stupid enough to take it out of the sterile packet the day you were given it. I had to sterilize it again.

Man: What have you sterilized it in?

Woman: Don’t worry. You and your new virtual buddies on that forum will be pleased with me – I did it in tea tree oil. All homeopathic.

Man: Oh, ok.

Woman: Like I said, all homoerotic.

Man: What?

Woman: Nothing. Just … well … you lot posting pictures of each other and making admiring comments. It is kind of, well, er, odd. You have to admit it.

Man: We are supporting each other and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Woman: Yup, support. Supporty-doo-daa. Nothing wrong with that.


Woman: Don’t start on me. I wanted to spend the money on a holiday. You spent it on a hairyday.

Man: I am very grateful for your support. Truly. Now can we PLEASE JUST TAKE THE STAPLES OUT …. AAAAAAAAGH!!!!!

Woman: Oops …


Woman: I dropped the staple remover, sorry.

Man: What, right on the sore bit of my head??!!

Woman: It was the tea tree oil. It made it all slippery, sorry.

Man: That was really bloody painful!


Man whimpers again. Pause. A long, difficult, Pinter-esque pause.


Woman: (With cold, ice queen voice.) When you’ve had three children, THEN you can talk to me about pain.

Man: You always say that. Look it hurt, ok. Just be CAREFUL!

Woman: You can go to that wrestler at the local clinic if you want.

Man: No, it’s ok. Please just be careful.

Woman: As you wish. By the way, do you know that there are 52 of these staples?

Man: Well, I knew there was a lot, but I didn’t know exactly how many.

Woman: Yup. 52. I asked Dr Feller to put in one for each week of the year where you lose an argument.

Man: Oh ha bloody ha.


Woman positions implement carefully. It may be the lighting, but a faint smirk appears to form across her face. She places the implement beneath the first staple. Then pulls. Hard.



Woman: WHAT NOW!?

Man: You don’t just YANK them out! You have to squeeze it together and it just comes away. Like in the video!!

Woman: Oh, you mean like this?


She squeezes gently. The staple falls away like melting butter. She does four in this way. She grins to herself, and does three more.


Man: Have you started yet?

Woman: Yeah, I’ve managed to get one out.

Man: One. Excellent. I didn’t feel a thing.

Woman: Actually, I’ve done seven.

Man: Will you stop enjoying this so much!! You can’t have done seven!

Woman: Oh, calm your jets Scarface. I’ve done seven.

Man: Really?

Woman: Really.

Man: Oh. Erm, well done you. Thanks love.


The process continues without further mishap. After a few minutes, the man sits up in the chair at the kitchen table. He examines the table in front of him: 52 staples. He feels gingerly around to the back of his head and then examines his hands: only a tiny amount of blood. He looks around to see his wife, smiling at him, holding the staple remover.


Woman: Piece of cake, eh?

Man: Thanks a lot. I really appreciate your support in all this. Sorry for getting agitated. You’ve been great, really.

Woman: Just remember that when I next want something expensive.

Man: Of course. Look, I’m sorry for all the shouting. It’s just that …


There is then a piercing, spine-chilling scream. Their blood runs cold. They turn around and see a small child staring at them. The small child, for her part, has surveyed the picture before her. Her father, semi-dressed, is bent over the table with a red line across the back of his head. There are droplets of blood. Her mother, in knee-high boots and a grin on her face, is standing by him with what looks like a dagger at head height. She appears to have been stapling him in the head.



Father: Oh sweetheart, let me explain ….





Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

My wife took my sutures out after my first HT but after my second when I had staples, I let one of the Feller techs remove them. Seeing as she removes staples on a daily basis, it went really smoothly, no pain at all and probably took less than a minute to do (there is a video of it somewhere).

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites



Dam.... I feel so privileged now... it could all have gone so differently if I hadnt had a sexy nurse do mine for me lol. Hope u have had some happy dreams in comfort now mate.. funny post ;)

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Create New...