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The Bald Truth Book

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I've had this book a year although its in brand new condition! :D

 

The Bald Truth - best seller

 

If anyone is interested in it then the funniest joke will win it!! :D :D :D

 

Get the jokes coming and Bill and I will judge the winner.

 

LETS HAVE EM!!

 

specs B)

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The Italian says,"When I've a finished a makina da

love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle

the back of her knees,she floats 6 inches above

a da bed in ecstacy."

 

The Frenchman replies."Zat is noting, when Ah've

finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all

ze way down her body and zen Ah lick za

soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12

inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."

 

The redneck says, "That aint nothing. When I've

finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk

over to the winder and wipe my weener on

the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling.

 

:D

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A man escapes from prison after 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us! Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too

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A man goes to his doctor about his hair loss.

 

The doctor says, since you have tried all the available options I am going to give you a guaranteed cure.

 

He then produces a rabbit, which he tells the man to put on his head.

 

"What !" says the Man

 

The doctor says - "Trust me I'm a doctor, and from a distance that will look like a hare !!!"

 

 

Boom Boom

 

 

RonnieF

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A Scotsman and Englishman an Irishman a Priest a Nun a Bear a Dog a Policeman a Dumb Blonde and a Clown walk into a bar.

 

The Barman says " This is some kind of a joke?!

 

 

***

 

A man walks into a bar.

 

And says Ouch!!!

 

It was an iron bar.

 

 

***

 

A horse walks into a bar, the barman says, "What's with the long face?"

 

 

 

Joe90

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A man is sitting at the bar sobbing into his drink.

 

The barman asks "What's wrong pal you look mighty upset ?.

 

The man replies "I've just found my best friend having sex with my wife"

 

"Wow, that's bad" says the barman, "did you say anything to him!"

 

"I sure did" replies the man "I said bad dog, you bad bad dog"

 

 

Enjoy AGT !!

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Guest Green

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum

cleaner. Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.

 

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

 

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the

remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.."

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"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel

ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

Jack Handy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

Frank Sinatra

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk in order to

spend time with his friends."

Ernest Hemingway

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

Henny Youngman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

Stephen Wright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.

When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go

to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

Brian O'Rourke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind

is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,

but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!

"Genesis"

>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support *****. Salvation in a

can!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And, saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of

Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the

Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see,

Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as

the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest

and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural

selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed

and health of the whole ***** keeps improving by the regular killing

of the weakest members. "In much the same way, the human brain can

only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of

alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks

the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

 

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain

cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's

why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

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:) Joe arrives home from work one evening and says to the wife "quick get me a beer before it starts". He then sits down in the armchair and switches on the tv.

His wife returns from the kitchen with a nice cold beer and hands it to him. He swigs it down and says "quick get me another one before it begins".

Just then Fred from next door comes in "hi Joe has it started yet"? he asks.

"Not yet Fred" says Joe and tells his wife to get Fred a beer as well. So off she goes and fetches more beer.

"What are we waiting for she asks"? Joe ignores her and finishes the beer. "Just get us another one its about to start" he says.

So she gets him and Fred another beer and asks again "what's about to start, what are we waiting for"? The man replies "Look woman just get us one more before it starts"!

Furious the wife screams at him "Look you come in here and expect me to run around like your slave and you cant even be bothered to tell me what your talking about. Mother was right you're just a lazy, selfish pig"!

Joe turns to Fred and says "Oh well its started"!

 

A man comes home from the pub with a duck under his arm, he staggers into the living room where his wife is waiting up for him. "Look here's the pig I've been telling you about" he says.

His wife relies "its a duck you drunken fool".

The man replies "excuse me I was talking to my freind donald here".

 

(The following are a bit crap but I just had to send them):

 

David Hasselhoff walks onto a film set and says to the crew "I want you all to call me 'The Hoff'"!

"Sure" replies the director, "no hassle".

 

When I went for surgery with Feller in New York I was going to fly with Virgin but ended up going with BA. The flight was ok in the end but I had to spike his drink to get him on the plane.

"I ain't gettin on no plane fool"!

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John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says "hey, why the long face?"

 

 

 

A man comes home and exuberantly slams the door. "Pack your bags, honey, I just won the lottery!"

 

"The lottery? How exciting" she answers. "What should I pack?"

 

"I don't care...just get the hell out!"

 

When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did, peacefully and in his sleep. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

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